My wife recently read a book by Kate Northrup called Do Less: A Revolutionary Approach to Time and Energy Management for Ambitious Women. Northrup writes about being present for your children. This does not mean you have to schedule hyper-focused time with them. Though, that’s not a terrible idea. Instead, it means spending time with them when they ask for it.
Dr. John Gottman, a marriage and family therapist, has a theory that helps couples connect and thrive. He shows couples how to recognize “bids for attention.” These are often subtle attempts by one partner for the attention of the other. These bids are maddening at times because if you don’t pick up on them, your partner can interpret that as not caring. But the thing is it might. Research suggests that picking up these cues is important for marital bliss.
How does this relate to your children? Well, they demand attention, too. Often it’s more direct, but just as often ignored.
Back to Northrup. There is a concept she calls “time-bending.” It considers two types of time: Chronos (sequential time) and Kairos (opportune time). Northrup conveys a story in which her child wanted attention as everyone was getting ready in the morning. Her daughter gave several small bids for attention.
Rather than staying in a Chronos mindset, to which children are oblivious, Northrup surrendered to her daughter’s bids. This meant stepping into Kairos time. She held her daughter and responded to things she at that moment. Yes, it slowed Northrup down in her morning routine, but she was present for her child. She “bent time” to fit her values. A few minutes with her daughter was worth more than being on time for her appointment.
Not recognizing bids for attention from your children may have long-lasting consequences. Madeline Levine points out that “your family life serves as a ‘staging area’ for your child’s understanding of how people relate to each other.” Give your children the time they need now or they may grow up thinking ignored bids are normal in relationships.
It is easy for distractions to consume our attention. And it is hard to recognize opportunities for more Kairos time with your partner and children. But start listening more. See if you can recognize the bids for attention your family is sending you. Then make time to fulfill those needs.
